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Here are 20 hilarious one-liners

Written By komlim puldel on Minggu, 31 Agustus 2014 | 23.08

Robin Williams had a number of awesome one-liners. Source: AP

COMING up with a good one-liner is not easy.

But a few of the world's best comedians have mastered the art of making people laugh with just one line.

Here are 20 classic one-liners:

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Steven Wright: "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

Demetri Martin: "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

Groucho Marx: "I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception."

Zach Galifianakis: "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort."

Russell Brand performs at Rod Laver Arena. Source: News Limited

Jimmy Carr: "A big girl once came up to me after a show and said, 'I think you're fatist.' I said, 'No. I think you're fattest.'"

Rodney Dangerfield: "I'm so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth."

Bob Newhart: "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'".

Joan Rivers: "The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse."

Jay Leno: "Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?"

Ricky Gervias wrote and starred in The Office. Source: AP

Jerry Seinfeld: "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

Louis C.K.: "There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fu**ing liars."

Bill Bailey: "My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; 'Hello, can I interest you in a ... oh sh** you've got one already haven't you? Well never mind…'"

Zach Galifianakis has been doing comedy long before he starred in The Hangover. Source: AP

Robin Williams: "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

George Carlin: "Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"

Michael McIntyre: "Who's phoning radio stations to warn of traffic jams? Who in their right mind gets stuck and thinks: 'Get me the phone — I must warn the others. It's too late for me'?"

Ricky Gervais: "Put a bet on the paralympics the other day; try telling the bookies that they're all winners."

Louis C.K. just won an Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series for the Louie. Source: Getty Images

Lee Mack: "I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. 'What are you doing here with that hammer?'"

Phyllis Diller: "I do dinner in three phases; serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead."

Russell Brand: "No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been dining off I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years."


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

‘I was gored by bulls, but I’d do it all again’

Bill Hillmann. Source: Facebook

JUST weeks after a Chicago writer known as a veteran, expert bull runner was badly gored in Pamplona, he's back at other smaller bull runnings in Spain, but walking with a cane.

"I really didn't think he was gonna gore me until it happened. I really thought I was going to find a way to escape," said Bill Hillmann, who helped write a book, Fiesta, How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona, shortly before a bull's horn tore into his right thigh.

That was July 9, the third day of Pamplona's historic, annual eight consecutive days of running, which Hillmann says he's run daily for numerous years.

A bull got separated from the other five bulls toward the end of the 850-metre course. Hillmann was trying to help lead the lone bull toward the nearby bullring, but says he was pushed from behind, tripped and fell.

"I've learned from this. I'll always be much more worried about who's behind me 'cause now I know, if I'm not aware of there being first timers behind me or inexperienced guys, it could be me gored," said Hillmann, who turned 33 this month.

He's facing a €9000 (approximately $12,680) bill for hospital services in Pamplona, but is undaunted and is finishing a new book on how running with the bulls has changed his life.

"I wasn't sure how I was going to end the book, but now I'm pretty sure the ending is going to be the goring," he said.

Bill running with the bulls. Source: Facebook

Running with bulls 'tradition' not cruelty

Pamplona's running of the bulls dates back centuries and became world famous thanks to novelist Ernest Hemingway.

But numerous other Spanish towns hold their own bull running each year, and Hillman arrived this week in San Sebastian de los Reyes, near Madrid, for its running.

In these towns, he tends to catch up with a small group of other travelling men — Spaniards and foreigners — who have become regular, serial bull runners.

Hillmann brushes off criticism that the running of the bulls is animal cruelty.

"I don't see anything cruel about it," he insists. "The animals, they're just running. They don't get hurt in any way during the run."

But they do tend to get killed in bullfights later that day.

Participants run for their lives. Source: AFP

Yet Hillmann points to the old traditions involving the bull-running events.

"I think it's fun, it's exciting," Hillmann said of the running. "I think it's stupid for people who know nothing about a tradition to judge someone who knows a lot about it and who loves it."

In San Sebastian de los Reyes, a group of Englishman proudly completed their first-ever bull running, and came across Hillmann, who was asked to pull up his right pants leg to show his hefty scar.

They asked if Hillmann would keep running and he said yes, although he doesn't expect that to be until next summer, after he's fully healed.

"I need to build up my courage again," he said, earlier in the day. "It's gotten a lot scarier now that I know exactly how dangerous it is, now that it's a reality."

After reviewing video and photos on a laptop computer of the day he was gored, Hillmann grimaced, and said, "Of course it was worth it. I knew the day I would get gored was coming. I was hoping I'd survive.

"I was hoping it wouldn't stop me from continuing to run, and I was lucky enough to survive and it looks like I'm going to be able to run again."

This article was written by Al Goodman from CNN and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network.


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

The secrets of leadership success

Kristina Keneally: "Integrity isn't something to proclaim — it's something to live in almost every decision." Source: Supplied

LEADERSHIP can be such an amorphous concept with fuzzy words like "forward-thinking" and "visionary".

Here, three successful leaders share with news.com.au just what makes a good leader and how community work outside their corporate work makes them better at their jobs.

KRISTINA KENEALLY

Former NSW Premier, former CEO of Basketball Australia and supporter of various charitable causes

What is the biggest challenge you face/have faced as a leader in Australian business?

I'd been Minister for Planning for about six weeks when the GFC shook the world's economy to its core. Almost instantly the NSW Government had to find as many levers as possible to keep people working.

Planning quickly emerged as an area where we could use a combination of regulatory and economic policy settings to support construction in both the private and public sector. We

introduced rapidly changed approval processes, removed infrastructure levies, fast-tracked complying development, and passed legislation to implement the Nation Building and Economic Stimulus Jobs Plan.

In normal circumstances these tasks would have taken months or years. But I had to move very quickly to bring local councils, developers and construction sectors, environmental groups and our political opponents onside to do what we could to keep people working.

NSW need to move fast, and we did. NSW led the nation in the meeting the Stimulus Plan's targets and the state avoided a recession.

Kristina Keneally on an Opportunity International mission. Source: Supplied

How has your community and philanthropic work had an influence on your capacity as a leader in your field?

A desire to live a life that makes the world around me a better place is what drew me to politics, and no matter how challenging politics became, I felt a sense of moral purpose to my work.

When I left politics, I was surprised by how much I missed it. Other jobs were stimulating, but they lacked that sense that I was involved in an endeavour to 'save the world.'

Today, volunteering for charitable causes that are close to my heart — like Opportunity International's efforts to transform the lives of the world's poorest women — fills that passion. Even more, it gives me an opportunity to meet and learn from such a wide range of amazing people and be inspired by them.

In your view, what is the most important characteristic of a good leader?

Integrity. Integrity isn't something to proclaim — it's something to live in almost every decision. Integrity, or lack of it, is evident in how we speak about others when they are not listening, in the choices we make when times are difficult, and in whether we keep our word when we give

it.

If leaders have integrity, they will have the trust of the people they seek to lead. It's far more important that people trust a leader than agree with her at all times.

What is your best piece of leadership advice?

Back yourself. No one is going to back a person who doesn't first back herself. I am often struck by the confidence of the incredibly poor women I meet in the slums of India when I visit with Opportunity International Australia. These women back themselves!

But — like these women — don't be unreasonable in your self-belief: listen to constructive feedback and constantly ask what you can do better. Work hard to be your best. Invest in yourself — in terms of skills and experience. Show respect for others and maintain an honest dose of humility. But do all of these things with a quiet confidence, with self-backing. Confidence is attractive, it brings others in and creates amazing opportunities.

NAOMI SIMSON

Red Balloon founder

Simson: "There are no shortcuts in leadership." Source: Supplied

What is the biggest challenge you face/have faced as a leader in Australian business?

At Red Balloon, we work hard to ensure that our employees have a great day at work. Due to this, it can be tough to be taken seriously in Australia, because everyone doesn't share our belief that a workplace can be a happy environment. There are some people who don't yet see the value in happy employees and in turn happy customers. People need to feel appreciated, recognised and noticed for who they are and the work they're doing.

How has your community and philanthropic work had an influence on your capacity as a leader in your field?

When you're working with volunteers you have no authority; you only have influence. And you can only influence people if they see the value in your contribution and are inspired by your sense of purpose. In a way, philanthropic work is often harder than commercial enterprises in terms of your leadership skills and capabilities. Giving back to the community makes me a better leader because leadership doesn't come from your job title; it comes from the way you act.

In your view, what is the most important characteristic of a good leader?

The most important characteristic of a good leader is integrity. All leaders need to do what they say they're going to do. Integrity creates trust, which is essential in any relationship. Without this

trust and respect, there will be no followers and to be a great leader you need followers. The one

thing I have to ask myself over and over again is, "Did I do what I said I was going to do?" I can't take shortcuts — there are no shortcuts in leadership.

What is your best piece of leadership advice?

Leaders can be anywhere in our community. They unite the uniqueness of individuals for the good of the whole, and the first step of leadership is to understand what it truly means to be a leader. It's also important to remember who it is that you're influencing along the way.

MALCOLM BROOMHEAD

Chairman of Asciano; non-executive director at BHP Billiton

Malcolm Broomhead said the most important leadership quality is the ability to listen. Source: Supplied

What is the biggest challenge you face/have faced as a leader in Australian business?

Changing the culture in a long-established organisation within a short time frame. This task required the engagement of everyone in the organisation — they needed to contribute to the change in order to have a sense of ownership of the new culture.

How has your community and philanthropic work had an influence on your capacity as a leader in your field?

It has given me a heightened awareness that all people are basically the same — their motivations, moral compass and potential are similar irrespective of their circumstance. For example, I have learnt that empowering others and helping build their self-esteem is just as important to the success of a philanthropic initiative as it is in a business. I have seen first-hand how a sustainable microfinance system positively impacts people's sense of hope, purpose, and self-esteem.

In your view, what is the most important characteristic of a good leader?

The ability to listen to and respond to the views of those he or she is leading.

What is your best piece of leadership advice?

Be very clear about your goals. Keep them simple, communicate and listen to your stakeholders.


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

What you should never do this time of year

Those Christmas presents look awfully nice but try not to get it on credit if you won't be able to make the repayments. Source: News Limited

Finder.com.au's Michelle Hutchison says it's important to give your plastic a once-over every now and then to ensure you're getting the best deal

YES. You're about to read a story with the word 'Christmas' in it. It is that time of the year.

If you're thinking about applying for a new credit card, get in quick. Because once it hits October, the months leading up to Christmas is a hazardous time to get a shiny new piece of plastic.

New research from Veda, a credit information company, found customers who applied for credit cards in the three months between October and December were 20 per cent more likely to default on their cards within six to nine months.

Ouch.

It makes sense that in the months leading up to the holiday season, people may need a bit of extra cash to pay for gifts, food or other celebrations. But it's also easy to fall into the trap of borrowing money you can't pay back.

Veda spokeswoman Belinda Diprose said: "Our data shows that consumers turn to credit in the lead up to the festive season to fund their spending. It can result in consumers overextending and getting into debt stress.

"With a heavy reliance on credit cards in the pre-Christmas period it's easy to let bills get out of control, so making a budget and a concerted effort to pay your bills on time is a good practice. If a credit card bill or personal loan payment goes unpaid it can have a negative impact on your credit history and might affect your chances of getting credit down the track."

Veda has a few tips for people to avoid the credit crunch at a time when the money pressure is on:

1.Do your homework – it pays to do your research on interest rates.

2.Make a list and check it – plan ahead for the festive months.

3.Keep track of your credit commitments – keep sight of everything you owe across cards, bills, loans and other debts.

4.Pay on time – consider setting up direct debts to avoid late fees.

5.Keep track of your credit record – bad credit can have long term effects, especially if you don't about it.


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

‘We meet, we talk, we have sex���

Former media personality tells Sunday Night about her decision to become Samantha X - a

BY day she's a 40-year-old mother of two doing the school run. By night, she works as a high-class escort.

Former magazine journalist Amanda Goff — known by her clients as Samantha X — has spoken of her scandalous double life as a secret sex worker.

The Sydney media identity, who has worked at New Idea, Prevention and InStyle, appeared on Seven's Sunday Night program to promote her new book Hooked - Secrets of a High-Class Escort.

SECRET EXPOSED: Media identity leading double life as escort

Secrets ... Amanda Goff has revealed her double life as a sex worker on Seven's Sunday Night.

During the candid interview, Goff revealed that she charges $800 an hour for her services or $5000 for a full night from the luxury inner-Sydney apartment where she meets clients.

"I just decided to charge for something that I was doing for free anway," she told interviewer James Thomas.

Goff explained how boredom at work led to her transition from a divorced mum to a highly paid escort.

Devoted mother ... escort worker Amanda Goff in her Sydney home. Source: Supplied

She said she would stare out the window of her Sydney office at "the grey buildings" and "fantasise about drinking champagne in a hotel room with a man".

One day, she decided to visit a bordello on her lunch break. Two days later, she was having sex for money.

Her experience of post-divorce dating disasters and romantic "letdowns" also contributed to her decision to become a sex worker, she said.

As a result, she said, she "became a more confident, more empowered woman."

Form of therapy ... Amanda Goff says her services can make clients "better husbands". Source: Supplied

Sex work, she told reporter Thomas, is "RSVP without the bull----".

"We meet, we talk, we have sex, I leave," she said.

Amazingly, Goff said her services made men "better husbands". Men, Goff believes, are hard done by and are often neglected by their wives.

"Where else are they going to to get that outlet? I really do believe that in some cases I make them a happier husband," she said.

Goff said she realised how the stresses of modern life could affect a couple's sex life.

"I was a wife too — I was too tired, too fat," she said.

Alter ego ... Amanda Goff's clients know her as Samantha X. Source: Supplied

But, she said, women needed to do more for their spouses.

"When you take a vow of marriage, men keep to it they provide. Women need to keep to their side to the bargain," she said.

"I feel for men, I feel they don't have anyone to talk to."

Goff's aim, she said, is to "make men feel desired, listened to and heard".

A laughing Goff even revealed how she took a picture of her toes for a client while she was picking her kids up from school after he texted her.

Her transition from media professional to sex worker, however, has come at a price.

Goff's London-based parents no longer speak to her after she told them last year about her career change.

Sadness ... Amanda Goff has been estranged from her parents since she told them she was a sex worker. Source: Supplied

Her father emailed her, telling her "you disgust me".

When asked by the interviewer if she was worried about how her children would be affected by her revelation, Goff — who volunteers at the school tuckshop — said times were changing and she doubted her son and daughter would be teased or ridiculed.

"I don't think it's such a big bloody deal," she said.

"I know what kind of moher I am, I know my kids love me, warts and all"

Goff admitted that she lied about her age when first started in the sex industry, but then began telling the truth when realised that men wanted older women.

For the moment, she has no plans to quit her line of work.

"I'll stop when I'm ready to stop," she said. "When I'm ready to fall in love, that's when I'll stop."


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

Cahill scoring goals in fashion

Tim Cahill is launching a clothing line with Shoreditch. Source: Supplied

TIM Cahill has a flourishing interest in fashion as he prepares to make the biggest decision of his career.

The Socceroos captain and World Cup superstar has a new line of clothing with Shoreditch, to be released internationally next January.

He will also call the next shot of his illustrious career in the coming months, with a year remaining on his New York Red Bulls contract.

"Business wise and football wise, I couldn't be happier and I'm lucky to have built a beautiful lifestyle in New Jersey and New York,'' Cahill told Confidential.

Tim Cahill for Shoreditch. Source: Supplied

"For me the biggest decision will be after the next two years. When you've lived in London, Manchester, Sydney and New York, it's exciting. I am definitely intrigued by Asia and Italy and other cities in America. I've got another good 2-3 years maybe of playing."

Cahill said he is most invested in fashion outside of his sport, and is proud of the latest Shoreditch campaign shot in New York.

"It's not just a quick t-shirt or a jacket, this will go on for years,'' he said.

"For the last eight years I had a relationship with Armani and I like to look sharp but I prefer to under dress than over dress."

Cahill may not be in Australia for Christmas, but he will be back for the Asian Cup in January.

jackie.epstein@news.com.au

Originally published as Cahill scoring goals in fashion

23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

Firemen mow lawn for bereaved wife

Thoughtful act ... A fireman is pictured mowing the woman's lawn alongside a note fire crews left at the house. Picture: City of Bayton/Facebook Source: Supplied

A CREW of Texas firefighters showed that it's the little acts of kindness that make all the difference when they returned to the home of a woman whose husband had collapsed with a heart attack while mowing the lawn to finish the job.

The fire crew in Bayton, Texas, took the victim to hospital after responding to his wife's 911 call, US ABC News reported.

Sadly the husband died but when his wife returned from the hospital she found her lawn mowed and a note from members of Bayton Fire Department's Station 4, A-Shift explaining that they felt bad that the husband had not got chance to finish cutting the grass.

They took the liberty of completing the job then locked the lawnmower safely away in the garage, they said.

"Let us know if there is anything we can do to help you out," they added.

A neighbour snapped pictures of the thoughtful gesture.

911 call ... The fire crew in Bayton, Texas, were called to the house after the man had a heart attack while mowing the lawn. Picture: Ashley Odom Chandler/Facebook Source: Supplied


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More

Putin calls for independence talks

President Vladimir Putin has called for statehood to be considered for the east of the former Soviet state.

War monger ... Putin gestures while speaking at a youth camp near Lake Seliger. Picture: Mikhail Klimentyev/AP Source: AP

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has sharply raised the stakes in the Ukraine conflict by calling for the first time for statehood to be considered for the restive east of the former Soviet state.

Putin's defiant remarks came on Sunday just hours after the European Union gave Moscow — which the bloc accuses of direct involvement in the insurgency — a week to change course or face new sanctions.

"We need to immediately begin substantive talks ... on questions of the political organisation of society and statehood in south-eastern Ukraine," the Russian leader was quoted by Russian news agencies as saying.

Moscow has previously only called for greater rights under a decentralised federal system to be accorded to the eastern regions of Ukraine, where predominantly Russian-speakers live.

But Putin has this week sparked renewed speculation that he may be seeking to create a statelet in southeast Ukraine, after he employed a loaded Tsarist-era name "Novorossiya" to refer to the region.

Putin's tough talk also comes as rebels turned the tide on advancing Ukrainian troops, by snatching a series of towns and trapping the army in some.

Restive east ... Ukrainian soldiers instruct local residents to seek refuge as shelling comes closer to the city of Mariupol in the village of Bezimenne, eastern Ukraine. Picture: Sergei Grits/AP Source: AP

Kiev has warned that it was on the brink of "full-scale war" with Moscow that Europe fears would put all of the continent at risk of conflict.

The European Union agreed to take "further significant steps" if Moscow did not rein in its support for the rebels, with new sanctions to be drawn up within a week.

Kiev said the invigorated rebel push of the past days has included substantial numbers of Russian regular army contingents who are now concentrating forces in big towns across the region.

"Terrorists and Russian soldiers continue to concentrate personnel and equipment in regional centres," said security spokesman Andriy Lysenko.

A ragtag mix of volunteer battalions and local residents were meanwhile bracing for a desperate defence of Mariupol, a strategic port city on the Azov Sea coast.

"We can hold them off, but for how long? We don't have the strength to beat them," said Panther, a tattooed fighter with the Azov battalion, said to be one of the most radical nationalist groups fighting in the area.

Pro-Russia ... Alexander Zakharchenko, prime minister of the self-proclaimed Donetsk People's Republic, told Russian media on Saturday that the insurgents were "preparing a second large-scale offensive." Picture: Dimitar Dilkoff/AFP Source: AFP

NATO last week accused Moscow of sending at least 1,000 troops to fight alongside the rebels, and presented satellite imagery showing artillery, tanks and armoured vehicles crossing the border.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said the new sanctions would build on existing measures against Russia which mainly cover financial services, armaments and energy.

Lithuania's President Dalia Grybauskaite, whose Baltic nation is wary of the resurgent power on its eastern border, warned that "Russia is practically in a state of war against Europe" and urged EU military assistance to Kiev.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko urged in Brussels to take tougher steps against Russia's "military aggression and terror" and warned that a "full-scale war" with Moscow is closer than ever.

"Today we are talking about the fate of Ukraine, tomorrow it could be for all Europe." Poroshenko said he expected the West to ramp up its arms supplies to Ukraine after discussions at a NATO summit in Wales on Thursday and Friday.

Although Russia continues to deny direct involvement in the conflict, there have been media reports of secret military funerals for those sent to fight in Ukraine.

Threat ... German Chancellor Angela Merkel said the new sanctions would build on existing measures against Russia which mainly cover financial services, armaments and energy. Picture: Tobias Schwarz/AFP Source: AFP

Moscow admitted that Russian paratroopers had been captured in Ukraine, but alleged they crossed the border by accident.

On Sunday Russian and Ukrainian officials confirmed that a prisoner swap had taken place on the north-eastern border with Ukraine.

"Nine Russian paratroopers were given to the Russian side" on Saturday evening, Lysenko said. A few hours later, 63 Ukrainian soldiers were handed over by Russia.

Rebels have pushed a lightning offensive around Ukraine's Azov Sea in the past week, prompting speculation of a possible attempt by Moscow to establish a corridor between Russia and the Crimean peninsula it annexed in March.

The rebels have advanced swiftly along the coast, capturing the town of Novoazovsk last Wednesday, just one day after Poroshenko met with Putin for talks that failed to achieve any breakthrough.

Alexander Zakharchenko, prime minister of the self-proclaimed Donetsk People's Republic, told Russian media on Saturday that the insurgents were "preparing a second large-scale offensive." At Mariupol, volunteers manning the barricades fear their trenches and barbed wire will be little match for the insurgents' tanks, but recognise the importance of their task.

"It is the last big town in the region under Ukrainian control, home to half a million people," commander of Ukraine's Azov battalion, Andriy Biletskiy told AFP.


23.08 | 0 komentar | Read More
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