Gamble invited the girls to Sydney ... what could possibly go wrong? Source: Foxtel
In this week's episode of Real Housewives, the ladies head north to Sydney and the situation between Gamble and Janet turns explosive as Gamble's hot-headed sister enters the fray.
Before all that, Chyka invites a few of the girls along to a marquee her company is running at the MCG for the AFL Grand Final. It's the big match between the Sydney Swans and Hawthorn — which Gamble rather adorably pronounces "Whore-fawn."
Shout-out here to Lydia, who pulls off one of the more spectacular entrances of the season when she suddenly appears outside the MCG as if she just teleported in from the future:
International glamour, like she just stepped out of a Portman's catalogue Source: Supplied
Forget footy, the girls are at the Grand Final to compete in their sport of choice: the race to see who can get offended first. Noticing that Lydia's opted for water instead of a glass of champagne, Gamble blurts out, "Are you pregnant?"
"No, are YOU?"
"NO!"
"Well cheers," Lydia snarls. "Cheers to your dogs — YOUR babies."
Both appear to be seething, having been in each other's company for a good 15 seconds. Excellent.
Drink through the awkwardness, ladies. Source: Supplied
Gamble then invites the others to join her for a weekend up in her hometown of Sydney. She works with celebrated artist Charles Billich, and he'll be holding a party at his gallery in The Rocks.
Pettifleur — socially inept at the best of times — takes this friendly invite as a cue to interrogate Gamble about her professional life, testing her story for weaknesses like a velociraptor testing the electric fences in Jurassic Park.
After asking Gamble what she does at the gallery (she works on a part-time basis, facilitating the sale of Billich's artworks) Pettifleur then asks how she would go about contacting Gamble at work and what would happen if she just cold-called the gallery and mentioned Gamble's name. She seems utterly convinced Gamble is some sort of a Catch Me If You Can-style fraudster, biding her time on a reality show while she plans her next jewel heist.
Gamble gets her own back, though.
"So Pettifleurs [getting your frenemy's name ever-so-slightly wrong: classic passive-aggressive move, good one Gumble], how's your property developing going? Did you start that or did your HUSBAND?"
DAGGERS from Pettifleurs.
Back at home and packing for the trip, Gamble confesses to Rick — who's sat in the corner stroking their Pomeranian like a not-entirely-convincing Bond villain — that she's anxious to make sure the Sydney jaunt goes well, given her past tensions with Janet. Rick's response — that a man would never have such a silly concern — is patronising and vaguely sexist, but it's all delivered in those calm, velvety Rick tones so it's hard to feel angry. The man has such a soothing presence, even the usually hyperactive Pomeranian is totally chill:
"Don't worry your pretty little head, toots." Source: Foxtel
Next up, Jackie drops in on Chyka so the pair can get on with some very serious business: they're co-organising Gamble's hens night. Trouble is, they both have very different ideas of what constitutes a good send off for single life. Gamble's all about fine dining and silver service, whereas one gets the impression Jackie would happily down a bottle of La Mascara in the nearest park before hitting up Newcastle RSL.
"Gamble doesn't want strippers and she doesn't want it to be tacky," Chyka warns.
Jackie's face:
Don't worry Jackie, she didn't say anything about penis straws. Source: Foxtel
Chyka's got a wild side, mind you. Jackie asks what happened at HER hen's night before she married Bruce, and Chyka cheerfully recalls some business involving a group of male sheep auctioneers who stripped her to her underwear in a crowded restaurant and auctioned her off, while her own mother egged them all on. Wow, Chyka, that sounds … really upsetting?
Next we're with Gamble, Pettifleur, Janet and Gina in Sydney, where all four appear to have dressed as Logie Awards for their big girl's weekend:
The women's Dress Like A Ferrero Rocher contest ended in a four-way tie. Source: Foxtel
As they prep in their hotel suite ahead of the gallery party, Gamble tells the other girls about her admiration for artist Billich, who is an old family friend.
Again apparently testing for weaknesses, Pettifleur starts spouting 101 facts about Charles Billich.
"Charles is actually quite amazing. He's got some paintings at the White House, and United Nations headquarters, and the Vatican," she says.
Gina quite reasonably asks how Pettifleur suddenly knows so much about Billich — did she Google the guy? For some reason, Pettifleur interprets this innocent question as a HUGE insult.
"I know how to do my research! Not Google, don't worry!"
If not Google, then what? Did she type his name into AltaVista? Hey Pettifleur, is your MySpace profile still bitchswitcher_69? Add me on MSN babes!
Gamble says that the girls will meet her sister at the gallery: "You'll be seeing her pre-op," is how she explains it. No, this isn't a Chaz Bono situation: Gamble's sister Tempest is about to go under the knife for a variety of terrifying cosmetic procedures at her more surgically-altered sister's insistence.
The scene inside the gallery is a more than a little like visiting the Capitol in The Hunger Games: those assembled have tight faces, bizarre clothes and a variety of overfed companion animals. One woman brought her cat. To a party. In an art gallery. At one point the camera lingers on the woman and her cat as they share a really weird, intimate moment:
"Hush now, human underling, and fetch me another champagne" Source: Foxtel
Billich's wife, Christa, introduces herself to the Housewives and regales them with an entirely relatable story about taking her little dog to a posh restaurant in Monaco and insisting it sit and eat off the table with her.
Fancy dog is better than all of us and he knows it. Source: Foxtel
Gamble introduces sister Tempest to the girls, and barely have they said hello when ol' Tempey starts tearing shreds off Janet. It's … intense, and suggests she's heard a very exaggerated version of the events that went on between Janet and her sister.
"Now listen, I've been wanting to talk to you," she says, pointing an accusatory finger.
"I've known this young woman her entire life [despite the use of 'young', we're going to assume she's talking about Gamble here], and I don't think you have any idea how much you've upset her when you make up bullsh*t about her."
Janet cuts in to explain she didn't make anything up, plastering on the sort of terrified grin you give when a crazy person corners you at a train station to ask if you want to find out who REALLY did 9/11.
"Oh CRAP. It's indefensible, it's not fair. Don't you DARE do that to her! She is the most beautiful, lovely, intelligent person I have ever had the PRIVILEGE to know, and you doing that sh*t to her hurts me, hurts her. I KNOW you made it up. Get some F*CKING evidence, get some evidence!"
Tempest, shown here busily getting all her facial expressions out of the way before her upcoming Botox treatment. Source: Foxtel
Gamble stays conspicuously silent through the whole rant, which riles Janet up no end:
"I have come here to support you because I thought we were putting all this behind us. I can't be attacked every time I see you, by you or your family, over a story that's been made up. I won't do it."
And with that, she's out.
Pettifleur then explains to Tempest that she's got the wrong end of the stick and Janet was merely passing on a rumour to Gamble, as a friendly heads-up.
"Ohhhh, OK. Oh. Probably need to apologise to her, then," an instantly calm Tempest says. YA DON'T SAY.
With Janet having fled out onto the streets of The Rocks — possibly in search of an opal, or Ken Done — Gamble trails behind her. Never one to miss out on a bit of drama, Gina follows in hot pursuit.
This is it folks: The Housewives have gone rogue and they are prowling the streets of Sydney at night.
Real Housewives production assistant: "WHERE DID WE PUT THE TRANQUILLISER DARTS?!?!" Source: Foxtel
They stop outside a pub, Gamble pleading with Janet to come back inside, yanking her limbs as Janet angrily tries to wrestle free. Behind them, bemused drinkers look on.
Could you imagine having a beer at your local when three Real Housewives stagger past in gold frocks having a stand-up fight? Maybe we've been recapping this show for too long but literally nothing would make us happier.
Punters enjoying the 10 o'clock floor show. Source: Foxtel
Back at the gallery, Tempest has apparently been delivered a fate worse than death: getting stuck talking to Pettifleur. Seems Pettifleur has spent the past 10 minutes chastising Tempest for speaking out without knowing all the facts, and she can't take much more.
"This is boring. You're going over and over the same thing, and it's getting pretty boring. I've heard you, I have HEARD YOU."
"I'm not boring! Don't call me boring!" Pettifleur snaps, no doubt wondering why people keep telling her that so often.
The next day, all the girls board a yacht for a cruise around Sydney Harbour — all except Janet, who still hasn't cooled down after last night's street fight.
Some have gone to more trouble than others to dress to the nautical theme.
"One thing I didn't want to look like was a dress-up comical queen, so my outfit is a bit of class and LOTS of sophistication," Pettifleur insists. Here's her sophisticated ensemble:
May god bless Pettifleur and all who sail in her. Source: Foxtel
Gamble can't help but feel upset that Janet didn't join them — and all because of a rumour that got out of hand. Charles Billich's wife offers some sage advice:
"A rumour is a rumour and nothing else. What's a rumour? A cloud in the sky!"
If a cloud ever accuses YOU of being a stripper, please seek medical assistance.
After the boat ride, Janet shows her face once more when she joins the others for dinner. She immediately tries to initiate a private conversation with Gamble to clear the air. Gina gets involved, but Janet tells her to mind her own business.
"OK, well, you're at a table with five other people, so I'm not sure that's going to work," is Gina's response.
Janet suggests that Gina leave the table if she doesn't like it.
"No, I'm not doing a big 'storm off like a skank down the street' thing!"
Eventually — no doubt after an off-camera meeting with a producer pleading them to progress to the next agreed storyline, lest the season last for 37 years — the girls all make a pledge not to discuss the whole Janet/Gamble drama any longer. Let's see how long that lasts.
Having promised to drop the topic, Janet's now not quite sure what to do with herself:
Cat got your tongue, Janet? No, really, did the creepy cat from the art gallery do something to you? Source: Foxtel
Next week: Gamble enters her wildly undertrained Pomeranian into a dog show, Jackie and Chyka choose the strippers for Gamble's hen's night, and the girls all fly to the Philippines for a holiday because sometimes it's just nice to get drunk and fight in a different country.
The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8.30pm Sundays on Foxtel's Arena Channel — check back right after each episode to read our weekly recap.
In the meantime, check in with recapper Nick Bond on Twitter (@bondnickbond) to discuss which has had a more devastating effect on your life — Andrea leaving Real Housewives or Zayn leaving One Direction.
