Is this Australiaâ€™s biggest catfight ever?

It's about to be a, what? GIRLFIGHT Source: Supplied

IN episode seven of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Chyka arranges for her five best frenemies to accompany her on a mini-break at an exclusive resort in Mission Beach, Queensland.

The ladies are thrilled with the prospect of having a scrag fight in a tropical setting.

Before they go, Jackie and Lydia shop for holiday outfits. At one point during their champagne-fuelled spree, Lydia picks an outfit off the rack and asks, "Are they pant?"

"ARE THEY PANT."

Five out of the six arrive in Queensland, ready for their chopper flight to Mission Beach. Gina's nowhere to be seen, and Janet is ANGRY. We're going to assume Janet had one of those mums who's always 45 minutes late to pick them up from school, because she does not respond well to tardiness.

"Gina's such a bitc-shhhh here she comes" Source: Foxtel

Gina suddenly emerges from a neighbouring aircraft hangar, and with all six housewives present, they're ready to depart. Andrea, who has a fear of flying, is terrified. Lydia's very excited.

"Hearing the propellers, hearing the horsepower in a motor of a helicopter just SO turns me on. Yeah … fast and hard," she moans, her lip quivering.

Look, if the helicopter does fall out of the sky, at least someone's going to get an orgasm out of it.

Lydia in the helicopter, her body wracked with wave after wave of erotic pleasure. Source: Foxtel

Jackie and Gina make small talk in their chopper, and Jackie casually mentions how much she'd love to see Gina without her inch-thick make-up. Chyka echoes her sentiments. The pair are trying to keep it light, but it's clear they've been wanting to say this to Gina for a while.

Sensing she's being ambushed with a make-up intervention while trapped in a tin can hundreds of metres in the air, Gina pulls this face:

"Come at me with a tub of cold cream and I WILL CUT YOU." Source: Foxtel

The girls arrive at the resort which, like every single bar, restaurant and attraction they visit throughout the series, is completely empty. It's like there's been a zombie apocalypse and only the women of Toorak were spared.

Janet suggests they all go for a dip in the pool.

"NO HEAD UNDER!" Gina interjects, panic showing as she wonders if this whole weekend has been engineered to get her make-up off.

On a walk around Mission Beach the next day, Jackie, Andrea and Lydia talk about their favourite subject: Gina being a moll.

"Gina thinks she's busier than everybody else. Well, whether you've got a little bit to do or a lot to do, you're busy. I'M busy," says Lydia, whose schedule is so packed she hasn't even had time to fly to King Island to buy cheese this week.

There's something about fresh air and nature that makes you want to slag people off. Source: Foxtel

They compare notes on their problems with Gina. She's called them the 'c' word, threatened them with legal action if they discussed certain topics on camera, and was "incredibly derogatory about a book idea that Lydia had," says Andrea.

Well, that last one is just plain rude. Lydia, we will TOTALLY buy your erotic memoir about the forbidden love affair between a woman and a helicopter.

Showing remarkable restraint, Jackie manages to make it through the entire scene without saying "Shine shine shine" — oh, wait, there it is.

After their nature walk, the ladies assemble by the pool for a yoga session with a very serious instructor named Sue.

Jackie: So Sue, I don't know if you know, but I'm actually a professional psychic!

Sue (disinterestedly): Right, OK.

Jackie: Yoga is a big part of using that in your everyday life, so it'll be quite interesting to see how we all flow!

Sue (even more disinterestedly): Yeah, it'll be very interesting.

Nothing says 'beachside holiday' like crushing bricks with your woo-hoo. Source: Foxtel

During yoga, Sue asks the Housewives to take foam blocks and squeeze them between their legs. "Oh, here's a bit of action," jokes Gina. Lydia's too busy squeezing tightly to her block and thinking of helicopters to laugh.

After yoga, the six change into their best Euro-trash kaftans and take up position on the poolside daybeds. Gina and Andrea arrive first, and have that awkward moment when you're stuck alone with someone you usually only hang with in a group setting and you suddenly realise you have NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

Andrea: "So ... Remember when you called me a c**t? That was fun." Source: Foxtel

The other women arrive soon enough, Jackie positioning herself next to Gina. The pair are becoming fast friends: they discuss life, love, parenting, and the eternal search for happiness.

Over on the other daybed, Andrea and Lydia talk about ... spray tans.

On the opposite side of the pool, Janet opens up to Chyka about her 25-year-old son, Jake. She's been his carer for the past year, ever since he suffered third degree burns to 70% of his body in a fire.

As she shares this inspiring story of survival and motherly love, the pair shed a few tears, agreeing that these sort of near-death experiences serve as a reminder not to sweat the small stuff; to live each day with positivity and grace.

Which obviously means it's time for a catfight.

Sitting down to a lovely ambush — I mean dinner. Source: Foxtel

The claws come out at dinner. First, Janet harps on about Gina's persistent lateness. Gina apologises, explaining that as a working mother of two, she leads a busy life.

"You're not as busy as I am!" Andrea yells, which elicits this expression from Gina.

"Gurl please." Source: Foxtel

Gina continues to apologise profusely to Janet, who's still yelling at her. Then Lydia weighs in, telling Gina she knows she called her a c*** in a previous episode.

Gina insists she said no such thing. Hmm:

Sorry Gina. Source: Foxtel

Lydia is further outraged by a joke that Gina made behind her back, suggesting her planned book would be all about "her vagina." Gina assures her it was just a glib remark, and she meant no harm.

"Well, she doesn't cook COCKS does she? It's the same thing!" Lydia screams, gesturing to a dumbfounded Chyka.

Andrea then launches into Gina, counting out her problems on her fingers, one by one. She lingers on one particular finger:

Andrea, it's manners 101: don't finger anyone during dinner. Wait until dessert. Source: Foxtel

Andrea's angry that during the tennis match she hosted in the previous episode, Gina arrived late, left make-up on her hand towels and wore high heels on her tennis court. She puts it all much more elegantly, though:

"I had these French embroidered hand towels — there was brown s**t all over 'em!"

"You obviously don't own a tennis court — I DO. Do you even own a tennis court?"

"You are crude, you are vulgar, you are confrontational and aggressive! I actually get offended even looking at you!"

"Well don't look, darling," Gina shrugs.

With that, the other girls start to yell over the top of each other, each eager to outline their many and varied reasons for loathing Gina.

Realising she's no longer needed, Gina focuses on something more important: fixing her make-up.

"Let me know when you've tired yourselves out." Source: Foxtel

It's all reminiscent of that devastating early scene in Muriel's Wedding when Tania Degano and the other Porpoise Spit bitches tell Muriel she can't hang out with them any more. Except that, unlike Muriel, Gina Liano don't care.

"Really, go and combust in a corner. No interest," Gina sighs.

"[Lydia] actually reminds me of a puppy I used to have. I had an older male dog — that would be Andrea — and this other dog who used to roll over and piddle every time you looked at her. That's Lydia."

At one point in the dinner table fracas, Lydia suddenly screams out, "WHAT ABOUT ME? I NEARLY DIED!"

It's not clear what she's referring to or who she's directing it at, but it's a Logie-worthy performance nonetheless.

The next morning, Gina packs her bags and leaves for Melbourne. Safe to say she didn't enjoy her time in Mission Beach.

"It's been pretty hideous — worse than eating cat food, quite frankly."

With Gina gone, peacekeeper Chyka sits the two lead Mean Girls down and gives them a thorough talking-to. "It was a major attack," she tells them. Lydia in particular pulls major stank face:

"We do get to keep these bathrobes, right?" Source: Foxtel

As the episode finishes, the women sit down to a seafood lunch and Lydia accuses Chyka of being a fence sitter for not joining the attack on Gina the previous evening.

We think the term you're looking for is 'decent human being', Lydia.

"Where to from here? Let's all act like mature ladies and get on," says Lydia, pictured below doing just that.

Lydia, you don't look very tran-kweel here. Source: Foxtel

"Now, no more on the issue! I'm sure we've got other things we can talk about," says Chyka.

"Yes, many other things," Lydia agrees.

The screen fades to black as the ladies sit around the table silently eating their lobster tails.

GINA PLEASE COME BACK.

Previous recaps:

Housewives episode six: Everybody Hates Gina

Housewives episode five: Meeting in the ladies room

Housewives episode four: One-night stands and drunk ski trips

Housewives episode three: Girls gone wild

Housewives episode two: Angels and demons

Housewives episode one: The ladies in their own words

Catch The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Sundays 8:30pm on Foxtel's Arena channel.