Keeping up with the Ruddashians

"Now, everyone say 'Go the Maroons!'... What d'you mean it's the wrong ball?" Source: News Limited

LAST week I was in Canberra and happened to be jogging past The Lodge when I saw some litter fluttering in the street.*

Being an environmental sort and mindful of the extra carbon dioxide being pumped into the air by my very strenuous exercise efforts, I scooped down to pick it up. Unfurling the paper, this is what I found:

KEEPING UP WITH THE RUDDASHIANS
SCRIPT: EPISODE 4

Director/Executive Producer: K Rudd
Producer: T Rein
Co-Producer: N Rudd
Assoc. Producer: J Rudd
Runner: M Rudd

"Did you know she's kinda, sorta not really the first Prime Ministerial spouse to visit a war zone?" Source: News Limited

ACT 1: SCENE 1

INT: A large, spartan, hangar-like building at Tarin Kowt military base, Afghanistan. PM in chinos, white shirt and flak jacket. Therese Rein in muted shirt also with flak jacket. Camera pans across heads of soldiers and settles in close-up on PM.

KEVIN RUDD

Your mums and dads, your brothers and sisters, your wives and husbands and partners, and your kids are all enormously proud of you. Indeed, Therese and I are both so proud of you we were determined she would be the first Prime Ministerial spouse to visit a war zone.

Camera pans to close-up on Therese.

THERESE REIN

I am really, really proud to have been able to shake the hands of some of these amazing people.

EXT: Outside base. Sunset. Kevin kisses Therese who is flying on to London for business. Image: v. modern couple, important to show she has her own job. Plane in background. See Casablanca.

(Note to crew: An observer may remember that Therese is not the first and heckle to the effect that former PM John Gorton's wife Bettina went to Vietnam in 1968. Will edit out in post production).

"Dad, you're gorgeous with her... But I've really got to bash out another chapter. So hurry up." Source: News Limited

ACT 1: SCENE 2

INT: The recently neglected "family room" in The Lodge, Canberra. Kevin on sofa, pale blue shirt sleeves rolled up cuddling baby granddaughter Josephine. Jessica Rudd next to him on sofa also wearing pastels. Therese Rein looking on adoringly from behind. Marcus and Nicholas Rudd edge of scene.

KEVIN RUDD (singing in Mandarin)

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah zip-a dee-day

My oh my what a wonderful day

Plenty of sunshine heading my way

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah zip-a-dee-day

JESSICA RUDD

Oh Dad, you're gorgeous with her but how about we get her to sign this book for Prince George because I've got to bash out another chapter while Josie has her midday nap.

KEVIN RUDD

Mum's right - gotta get cooking with gas Josie. Georgie Porgie doesn't want that smelly old knitted kangaroo does he sweetheart? What better for the royal bub than a book? We need him to be clever if you're going to marry him one day don't we Josie (laughs).

Camera pans to Kevin reading Mem Fox's Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes to Josephine. He takes a pen and begins writing: "Dear HRH Prince George of Cambridge." Then he puts the pen in Josephine's hand and helps her write her name.

NICHOLAS RUDD (off camera)

Hey sis, you know if you could get yourself up the duff again it'd be great for the polls just before the election.

Wide shot of whole family laughing.

"Dad, if you call the election for September 21 it'll mess up the birthday present we've bought you." Source: News Limited

ACT 1: SCENE 3

Dawn, Morningside, Queensland. Kevin Rudd and son Nicholas power-walking through the streets. Kevin wearing T-shirt with slogan: "Choose a stronger Australia. Choose a better future." Nicholas in youth-friendly fluoro Nike trainers.

NICHOLAS RUDD

OK Dad but when are you going to call the election?

KEVIN RUDD

Son, I may be the people's princess politician (overlay of close-up of Twitter account still as @KRuddMP) but the longer I keep that TAbbott jittery the better for me … and, of course, the party and the nation.

(Note to crew: If talent uses expletives - as is likely - please re-shoot).

"Hey Jess, I'm your biggest fan. Could you sign my copy of Red Ruby?" Source: News Limited

ACT 1: SCENE 4

Mid-morning, the study in The Lodge. Jessica Rudd in leather tracksuit pants and Sass and Bide top takes seat at desk. Camera shoots from over her shoulder on to computer screen showing manuscript of her new book, Comeback Ruby.

JESSICA RUDD (calling out)

Mum, can you get her out of her cot. If I can get this to the publisher today and Dad delays the election to late September than I can be on the shelves before the big day.

Close-up of computer screen as Jessica types: "Ruby slipped on her red patent Loubou …"

JESSICA RUDD (to herself)

Aargh, how do you spell Louboutins? L-O-U-B?

Fade.

*OK, I may have been rifling in the bins.

Follow Angela Mollard on Twitter: @angelamollard

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