Can you ever go back to an ex?

Can you ever go back to an ex? Here are some tips to keep in mind. Picture: Supplied Source: Supplied

WHEN someone wants to go back to a past love, many might think "You can never go back" but here's how to know for sure.

1. Refresh your memory

Whether you dated a long time ago or not, it's important to truthfully remember your past love relationship exactly as it was, not how you fondly think back on it now. And don't just rely on your memory.

Look at pictures, read old notes and letters, or whatever you have. Talk to family and friends who knew you then, and knew the two of you as a couple back then. Ask them what they remember and ask them what they recall was great about you as a couple.

Also ask them to tell you how they think you have changed or if they know your past love now, how they have changed too. You don't have to accept their opinions, but everything you hear gives you information to make good choices for yourself.

2. Listen to their story

A relationship is not a one sided experience, of course. So as you start communicating once again with your first love, especially with regard to dating again, it's important that you spend some focused attention on listening to their life story.

You want to tuck what you think you know about them away and try to get to know them again almost as if they were a brand new person to you. Do not work from assumptions that they are the person you once loved.

They may have changed in unexpected ways. And they have a life history that has shaped them too, and you need to get to know them all over again. You can choose to sit together and tell each other your stories, or you can reminisce together about some of the favourite times you shared and see if those common interests are still there or not.

3. Make sure you want the same things this time around

It is too tempting to assume the person you loved once before is still the person you can easily fall in love with now.

Why do you each want to rekindle things? Are you on the same page? Do you want to start a fresh relationship as older and wiser adults, or does one of you simply want to finish what was started then and isn't interested in a long-term relationship? Perhaps the relationship wasn't sexual and one of you wants to make it that way now. Are your eyes open and do you both want the same things?

4. Take it slow and heed any red flags

You've waited this long to be together again and much like dating a friend, there is a lot to lose by going back to someone. You have fond memories (or else you wouldn't consider rekindling things) and it would be a shame to ruin those by rushing into something together now.

Don't jump into bed or a serious relationship right away without dating first and taking the time to get to know one another. And if there are any red flags, heed them. Don't be seduced with the idea that going back to your past love will be your fairytale happily ever after – every relationship, rekindled or new, has its challenges and is very real.

Take off your rose-coloured glasses and remember that. And then give this relationship as sincere an effort this time around as you did when you first fell in love.